| The Indonesian President |
[May. 13th, 2004|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dream Theater - Endless Sacrifice | ] |
With the presidential election just around the corner, I still don't know whom I should vote for. Or root for, rather, as I'm not sure it's worth the trip to the embassy to get registered. Noone so far has really impressed me. Then again, I would've been surprised if anyone had, being a melancholic that I am. Every candidate has their flaws. To be an Indonesian President *echo here* one has to be perfect. Ya hear me? Perfect! So I have come up with this brilliant series of tests to have our perfect Indonesian President *echo here* finally emerge. No kidding. Just read on.
People deserve to know their candidates up close and personal. And what's better than having cameras follow them 24/7 for a few months and national TVs broadcast all the actions. Everyone with a valid KTP has a shot and is encouraged to register as a preliminary candidate. Registration booths are to be set up in as many major places of interests (read: shopping malls) as possible. Cool, huh? Finally anyone of us can proclaim proudly: I'm running for the Indonesian highest office, what say you?
An Indonesian President *echo here* has to be a strong individual. Not only physically, but also mentally. So we kick off (or tip off if you're an NBA fan) with the first round. Candidates are to perform a series of challenges. Physical ones would include something like trying to free themselves while hanging upside down from a speeding helicopter in the least amount of time possible. Mental ones would include, I don't know, eating roaches alive, maybe? Those who succeed move on, the rest are eliminated. You see, fear should never be a factor for our Indonesian President *echo here*. Oh, and of course, some prize money awaits.
Having proven themselves strong enough, the remaining candidates next are to prove that they're also smart. How? By answering a series of general and scientific questions in increasing difficulty levels. Lifelines are available because, obviously, nobody knows everything. So the candidates can choose to phone a friend, ask the audience, or remove some wrong answers. One wrong final answer and they're eliminated. Those who make it to the final round win some cash and move on to the next round.
Now, what would our Indonesian President *echo here* be without some political prowess? They must be able to survive crisis, withstand pressure, and read other people's thoughts. Or in other words: outwit, outplay, outlast. Remaining candidates are to be stranded on a deserted island for some 30-odd days to compete in various challenges for rewards as well as immunities. Every three days they are to vote one of them off the island. Sounds good? They might also win some cars along the way. Surviving candidates receive more prize money and move on.
Consider this scenario: when visiting a neighboring country our president accidentally gets lost, is completely separated from the rest, and has to find his/her way back to the hotel. Hey, it might happen, you know. Therefore our Indonesian President *echo here* must be able to navigate around mazes in foreign lands with minimal help. Remaining candidates are divided into teams of two and set off to compete in a race around the world. The race consists of multiple legs and in each the last team to check into the pit stop will be eliminated. Amazing, isn't it? And let's not forget the prize money. As if.
Next is a singing contest. What are you laughing at? In the event that someday our Indonesian troops march into America, liberate the people from an oppressive regime, and need to keep the peace there, wouldn't it be great that our Indonesian President *echo here* him/herself can visit and entertain our brave soldiers? Not to mention how much money will go to charity when the live-recorded album is out. Thus, our candidates, be prepared to meet the judges and sing your way to become an idol. Uh, did I just say idol? I meant, a noble person with, err, intentions to, uh, give our troops some moral support. Well, you know. Anyway, they have to sing a wide range of musical genres and be good -- no, excellent -- at each one of them. It's nothing, really. Our Indonesian President *echo here* has to be perfect, remember? Indonesian people will then vote for their favorites by phone or SMSes and those with the least votes are eliminated every week. Recording contracts and more money -- whaddaya know -- await.
All right, so far so good. Our candidates are strong, smart, politically skillful, able to read maps, and sing like idols. But not perfect. Yet. Which brings us to the final round, woohoo! It is generally accepted that a good country leader needs a good country leader's significant other. A king needs a queen. A president needs a First Lady -- I guess that would be a First Gentleman should the president be a lady. An Aragorn needs an Arwen. A Princess Leia needs a Han Solo. A Beauty needs a Beast -- which doesn't sound too right, but you get the idea. And to get a good spouse, you need to be good in finding one. So the next challenge for our Indonesian President *echo here* is to fight his/her way and win a perfect bachelor/ette's heart. The candidates are to live together for a few days in a big mansion -- better, let's make it a big castle -- to compete for this perfect significant-other-to-be's love. Or money. Whatever. As always, every once in a while one will be eliminated. Do you know how many times 'eliminated' has occurred so far? The bachelor/ette will pick one winner in the end. And that is our final candidate. A big round of applause, please.
Great. At a long last we finally have the perfect candidate for our Indonesian President *echo here*. But wait. There's a bonus round. Never saw it coming, didn't you? Our Indonesian-President-to-be and his/her newly found love are to be separated for a few days on an island full of beautiful babes and handsome hunks, who will try to seduce our Indonesian-President-*nah, can't insert an echo here*-to-be and his/her loved one. In the end if their love proves strong enough and able to stand the test of time -- hey, it's necessary, OK? Two words: Monica Lewinsky -- we have indeed found our perfect Indonesian President *echo here*. Oh, almost forgot -- some bonus prize money will be there, naturally. And we can have our Indonesian President's *can't here, either* wedding -- as a mini series, of course.
There. A series of exciting contests that will revolutionize our presidential election forever! Man, I'm so good! I have to get this patented. Huh, what's that? You're saying some people have already done this, this, this, this, and this? OMG, even this and this? And I was only joking, gosh! Never thought people would be pathetic enough to -- oh well. I guess we'll never get our perfect Indonesian President *no more echo after such an anti-climax* after all. |
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| Cukup? Masak? |
[May. 11th, 2004|03:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Aimee Mann - One | ] |
Barusan dapet email ini, untuk kelima kalinya dalem dua minggu ini. Gua yakin yang nulis ini niatnya baek sih. En emang kalo cocok bisa jadi motivator yang mayan. Cuma karena gua lagi banyak kerjaan, jadinya pengen maen Pengacara Sang Iblis bentar.
> CUKUP BERBUAT BEGINI SAJA !
>
>Ada seseorang saat melamar kerja, memungut sampah kertas
>di lantai ke dalam tong sampah, dan hal itu terlihat oleh
>peng-interview, dan dia mendapatkan pekerjaan tersebut.
>Ternyata untuk memperoleh penghargaan sangatlah gampang,
>cukup memelihara kebiasaan yang baik.
Kalo menurut gua itu namanya hoki. Berapa juta orang di dunia ini yang punya kebiasaan mungut sampah en masukin ke tong sampah akhirnya dapet kerjaan bagus gara-gara kebiasaannya itu?
Atau mungkin seseorang di atas adalah cewek seksi nan bahenol en si penginterpiu adalah cowok yang nggak tahan ngeliat yang diinterpiunya nungging mungut sampah.
>Ada seorang adik kecil menjadi murid di toko sepeda, suatu saat
>ada seseorang yang mengantarkan sepeda rusak untuk diperbaiki
>di toko tsb. Selain memperbaiki sepeda tsb, si adik kecil juga
>membersihkan sepeda hingga bersih mengkilap, murid-murid lain
>menertawakan perbuatannya.
>Keesokan hari setelah sang empunya sepeda mengambil sepedanya,
>si adik kecil ditarik utk bekerja di tempatnya. Ternyata untuk
>menjadi orang yang berhasil sangat mudah, cukup rugi sedikit saja.
Yoi, emang gampang, tinggal jilat sana-sini. Pak, ini laporannya udah kelar. Mau saya pijitin sekalian tak?
>Seorang anak berkata kepada ibunya: "Ibu hari ini sangat cantik",
>ibu menjawab: "mengapa?" anak jawab: "karena hari ini ibu sama
>sekali tidak marah marah". Ternyata untuk memiliki kecantikan
>sangatlah mudah, hanya perlu tidak marah-marah.
Ini versi laen dari: kalo elu ngasih gua duit, elu baeeekkk banget deh! Atau kalo elu milih Partai XXX (khusus dewasa) entar elu gua traktir deh.
Lagian kali aja abis dibilang gitu si ibu dengan nyantainya jawab: oh, bukan kok, Nak. Ini gara-gara kemaren ibu abis ke salon. Kamu laen kali ikutan aja, daripada rambutnya kayak gembel gitu. Mohon maaf kalo ada gembel yang tersinggung baca ini.
>Seorang petani menyuruh anaknya setiap hari bekerja giat di sawah,
>temannya berkata:"tidak perlu menyuruh anakmu bekerja keras,
>tanamanmu tetap akan tumbuh dengan subur". Petani mejawab:
>"aku bukan sedang memupuk tanamanku, tapi aku sedang membina
>anakku". Ternyata membina seorang anak sangat mudah,
>cukup membiarkan dia rajin bekerja.
Padahal kalo si anak nggak disuruh kerja seharian di sawah dia bisa kuliah di Harvard en jadi pengacara ternama. Tapi emang YMMV sih.
>Ada sebuah toko yang lampunya selalu terang-benderang, ada
>yang bertanya: "lampu merek apa yang dipakai sehingga begitu awet?":
>Pemilik toko berkata: "Lampu kami juga sering rusak, dan begitu rusak
>langsung diganti" Ternyata cara memelihara tetap terang sangat mudah,
>cukup sering diganti saja.
Makanya pake neon dong. Kirain lagi pada ngomongin apa, taunya beda bolam dengan neon. BTW, bolam == bola lampu bukan sih?
>Katak yang tinggal di sawah berkata kepada katak yang tinggal
>dipinggir jalan: "tempatmu terlalu berbahaya, tinggallah denganku".
>Katak "pinggir jalan" menjawab: "aku sudah terbiasa, malas untuk
>pindah". Beberapa hari kemudian katak "sawah" menjenguk katak
>"pinggir jalan" dan menemukan bahwa si katak sudah mati dilindas
>mobil yang lewat. Ternyata sangat mudah menggenggam nasib kita
>sendiri, cukup hindari kemalasan saja.
Gua justru bahagia buat si katak yang mati. Dia mati di kediamannya sendiri, tempat pilihannya sendiri. Siapa tau besoknya si katak sawah yang gantian mati, dibabat anak petani yang rajin bekerja.
>Ada segerombolan orang yang berjalan di padang pasir, semua
>berjalan dengan berat, sangat menderita, hanya satu orang yang
>berjalan dengan gembira. Ada yang bertanya: "mengapa engkau
>begitu santai?" dia jawab sambil tertawa: "karena barang bawaan
>saya sedikit". Ternyata sangat mudah untuk memperoleh kegembiraan,
>cukup tidak serakah atau memiliki sedikit saja.
Iya, asal abis itu jangan minta-minta minum ya kalo haus. Jangan numpang sleeping bag kalo malem. Jangan minjem kolor kalo keabisan.
Ini kayak orang yang kerjaannya nyontek, trus hasil ujiannya lebih bagus daripada yang dicontekin, trus dia dengan bangganya bilang: hebat kan gua, nggak belajar dapet bagus. Yang belajar mati-matian aja cuma dapet segitu.
Satu lagi. Situ udah tau temennya bawa barang berat-berat, bantuin napa?! |
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| The Arts of Consoling |
[May. 6th, 2004|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Siti Nurhaliza - Sesuci Lebaran | ] |
One thing (of many) that I suck at is consoling others. To be specific, consoling people who have just been out of relationships. People who have just dumped or been dumped by their GFs/BFs. More often that not when so-and-so come to me and say they have just broken up with such-and-such, I find myself struggling with words to, yep, console them. Worse when the words have to be in English. Because I also suck at English. That's why I'm writing this entirely in English. Uh, and I hope you notice the irony. You don't? Fine.
I, for one, don't often show feelings. And more than once my mom called me on it. You have no feelings!, she would say. Poor Mom. Anyway, let's leave her out of this as at the moment she doesn't need any consoling. And even if she did, I wouldn't know because we're thousands of miles apart. I mean, it's not like I don't care about her, it's just... You know what, after this I'll give her a call, gosh.
Anyway, I was saying... Right, I don't show feelings. So when others come to me with feelings, especially hurt, sad feelings, I don't know how to react. My fav words would be: oh no! Then: a) how did that happen? or b) how could he/she do that to you! or c) man, that's mean! or a lame d) really? At my more creative times I can come up with slightly smarter variations, to my endless pride. Unfortunately, those times don't come too often.
People learn. Even I. So I've been asking around, finding the right consoling ways. And here are some that I personally think make more sense than the rest. Might help some talking-robot developers, who knows.
Rule #1: never say it's good. 'Cause it's not. Most of the times it just sucks when it happens. It's all right, you'll move on. Oh yeah, they will move on and get over it. That's not the point. Whatever better things lining up for them, what has just happened is bad. I mean, come on now, they wouldn't be sad were it not, would they?
Rule #2: never say bad things about whatever is now their past. Dude, don't feel so bad. Look at her, she has a soccer player's calves! Which is as good as saying, dude, your choice of GFs sucks. We don't tell a friend how ugly we always thought his GF was. Just like we don't date a friend's ex-GF. Friends notwithstanding.
Rule #3: never compare their problem with ours. Yep, however similar and relevant they are. I know how you're hurting, it happened to me, too. I feel your pain. Partly because it's always easier to talk about problems after it's over. In other words, easy for us to say how we also suffered because we no longer do. And in yet other words, deal with it, man. It hurt me before, so now it's your turn. And partly because I don't think our suffering friends would want to hear about our problem anyway. We should listen to theirs.
Rule #4: sometimes simple, seemingly meaningless words will do. And be a good listener for the rest of the way. She did, huh? That sucks. You wanna talk about it? Let's go downstairs for some coffee. I'm buying. This works best for me. At least if he ever complains I never treat him anything, I'll just say, hey, I bought you coffee, didn't I? Remember when you were down and troubled? Now, how come you never treat me?
All those said, I still suck at this consoling thing. Beats me. |
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| Iseng #1 |
[May. 5th, 2004|03:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | AUDIble - Ranukumbala (Sendiri di) | ] |
How can you tell if it is going to be a long day? When it starts the way a joke does. So that morning a marketing director, a musician, and a computer programmer met at The Gates of Heaven. Only there was no St. Peter to greet them and ask questions since The Gates of Heaven -- Gates, for short -- was just one of those indiscreet coffeeshops downtown.
The marketing director was one Mr. Allan Chia. He was in the balding side of forty, serious looking, and whispering as if trying to be inconspicuous. In my opinion, in this kind of place trying to be inconspicuous was conspicuous. "What do you think? Can you do it?"
The musician was Yusof, a close friend of mine for the last five years. Always believing in himself, he and his band played twice a week in a pub a few doors down. He was conspicuous, with his long hair, earrings, and a red bandanna. And now he nodded full of confidence like he often did. "Of course he can, Allan. If he can't do it, noone can."
The computer programmer, of course, was myself. I studied Chia's hopeful face. Three hundred bucks a day did sound tempting. Having been without a job for almost seven months, I knew I should jump at it right away. "All right." That studious face brightened. "Can I have the fee up front?" It turned into a frown. "For the first five days?" I quickly added. Don't push your luck too far now, boy.
And Chia finally nodded. "It is settled, then. So I shall expect you today in my office, say, after lunch time?" I assured him that I would be there. "Very well. Here's my name card." And he stood up, followed by the two of us. "Good morning."
Naturally, we ordered another round of drinks to celebrate after the marketing director had left. And, as naturally, I paid. "Good luck, buddy," Yusof raised his glass. "Just find him whatever he wants you to find and get out of there." |
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